…after all this time that’s all I wanted. Was to hear from you. To hear that you wanted me and realized how much you fucked up. That’s all I wanted…and now that it actually happened I don’t feel any better. I feel worse. It’s worse knowing you want me when I know I can’t let myself fall for it again. I want you. I want so badly to just say yes, let’s forget these last 6 months and just be happy. But there’s just so much fear. How the hell can I trust him? After everything? Would he be willing to give up things that caused problems in the past? What’s a relationship without trust. I want so badly to just say I trust him. To say I forgive him, and truly mean it. And I mean, I’m glad we talked. I do forgive him now. But that trust has been broken down time and time again. I don’t think it can ever be fixed no matter how badly the two of us want it. And idk. I want to believe his words, but maybe he’s just fucking with me again. He’s played so many mind games with me I’m not even sure what’s real with him or not. It seems real. It seems genuine. But now that we talked, I’m having trouble letting go again. How can I let go and ignore him when he wants what I’ve been wanting? Is it too late for us? I think I would be dumb enough to try if I knew this time would be different. But it won’t be. I always think it will and it never is.

I miss you everyday. Sometimes at the end of a really long day I just want to call you. I really miss talking to you. I wonder if you miss talking to me. I hate that things turned out this way. I really hope one day I’ll be able to let you go.

Fuck. Idk what’s wrong w me I’ve been missing my ex a lot lately. Like I guess bc I’ve heard who he’s been chilling w, & also bc we live in the same town, I see him in passing a lot. Like we haven’t run into each other in person yet, but I’ll see him at the stripes down my street a lot, or he works really close to where I live so I see his car there all the time. Or we’ll be at a light going towards each other. Or I’ve been driving and once I have to stop at a red light I just so happen to end up right behind him. Idk it’s hard to get that person off of your mind when you have constant reminders of them. It just sucks. I wonder if he misses me, or feels guilty about what he did to me. Knowing him, definitely not.

I hate it. I lost my best friend. Sometimes a part of me just wishes he’d reach out to me, but I know that would be harder. It’s been 5 months, going on 6 since we’ve spoken to each other. He probably doesn’t even know how long it’s been. Most days I’m fine. I’ve accepted this is how it had to be. He’s abusive and toxic to me. I know that. And I can never let him back into my life after everything he’s done. But sometimes it hurts knowing he’s w someone else. I always knew it would be her too. Ugh idk. It just sucks.

I don’t know why I can’t focus on the fact that I’m doing SOOOOO much better now that he’s gone. I’ve lost weight, and still working so hard to lose more, I’m getting more hours at work so I’m making more money, I’m looking for s second job, and I got a car. Like…it may not sound like much but it’s a lot for me. Especially after he told me I was nothing & would never be anything, it feels good knowing that I’m actually bettering myself everyday. I’m a stronger version of myself than I was last November. All of these things should make me happy, and they do, but a part of me wishes he was here to see it and experience it w me. Like idk it’s gonna feel good as hell when he sees me, sees I’ve got a new car, sees I’ve lost weight. It’s the best revenge I guess. But I can’t help but miss him sometimes. This sucks.

I woke up in such a shitty mood. Idek why. I’m half angry half sad.? My body is exhausted. I’ve only been giving myself one rest day. Maybe I need two rest days. It’s just the more progress I make it just makes me want to go that much harder & faster. I feel like I’m so close to my goal, yet so far. I have a weight goal I want to reach by the end of the month and I’m not sure if I’m actually gonna get there. I’ve been working so hard, yet I feel like I’m getting nowhere. Which I know isn’t true. I’ve made so much progress and I’ve lost about 30 lbs already which I know is good. I know with hard work & determination I’ll get there. I think the problem is that I just want to be there now. Being that I work my ass of every day, only to still not have the results I want. I keep reminding myself that it took years to put this weight on so I know I need to be patient with myself. I know it’s gonna take time. I’m still gonna continue to work on getting to my April goal. I know I can do it. I’m just feeling a little discouraged rn. But it’s not gonna stop me.

On the other hand, maybe my mood is shitty because I’ve been dreaming about my ex almost every night. I feel so stupid because it’s been five months since we’ve spoken to each other and I still think about him every day. I still look to see if his car is at his work when I have to pass by there. I still look to see if his car is at his house when I have to pass by there too. I still check my emails to see if he’s attempted to reach out to me, he hasn’t..,idek why I do that. I really don’t want to speak to him, and yet I guess a part of me does. I guess I just want to feel like he at least is thinking about me. Idk. I just feel so down today and I can’t figure out why. :/

So I went with my friend to a fast food place and as we’re driving up going to the drive thru my ex pulls up & parks at the exact same time . I don’t think he saw me but I saw him. The first time I’ve seen him in months. Ugh.

I still get this ugly drop in my stomach when it comes to seeing him. Like I hadn’t seen him in months but lately I’ve seen him in passing when we’re driving. Which I guess is bound to happen since he works so close to where I live. Like he’s usually on the opposite side of traffic from me. But every time I see his car I get nervous.

I still miss him. I keep expecting to hear from him but I never do. Which it’s better this way. It just hurts. It’s almost been 5 months & it still hurts so much. I still miss him. I still think about him. I just want it to go away.

Fuck. This sucks. It’s been four months & I still miss him everyday. Which is ridiculous. I mean it changes nothing & it doesn’t mean I want him back in my life, but I do still miss him. I do still think about him a lot. I wonder if he thinks about, or misses me. I even sometimes worry about him. I hope he’s okay. Idk. It just sucks. I mean I’m not sad or anything but I just wish things were different. Not gonna lie, it kinda hurts that he hasn’t tried to reach out to me once, since that last time four months ago. My birthday is coming up soon, & I kinda half expect him to message me for my birthday but honestly that probably won’t happen. I mean it’s better off this way but it still sucks. I think the worst part is I lost my best friend. All the other bullshit aside, I still wish we could have stayed friends. Idk. My anger is slowly fading, hell, even the hurt is fading too. I just genuinely miss the good times we had & I kinda wish I could have just one last exchange with him that doesn’t end on a bad note. But In all honesty, that won’t happen. It ended really bad & when the time comes that we run into each other we’ll probably just ignore each other like we never even knew each other in the first place. Idk, at this point in time I just miss him a lot. And I wish I could just let him know that. But I can’t, & I won’t. I know I’m just romanticizing the past. Plus I have too much pride lol. I’m not gonna give him the satisfaction of knowing I miss him. He doesn’t even deserve a glance from me. I’m not going to further inflate his ego. But whatever. This will pass. It always does.

I’ve been feeling so guilty lately. Like I hate to say it, it’s hard to admit to myself but I feel like my friends and I have outgrown each other. Like my best friend of like 12 yrs? Idk I just find myself dreading answering her phone calls. Like I really don’t have any desire to talk to her. That’s so fucked up but that’s how I honestly feel. She always wants something from me. And like I’ve said before I’m bored out of my fucking mind. We don’t do shit or have anything to talk about. Idk I know a lot has changed for us over the years. Last year was a really hard year for her, and idk ever since she’s known me my life has been up and down. Being in an abusive relationship on & off for 7 years, and finally getting this person out of my life really changed me. I feel in some ways for the better, some for the worst. Idk I just feel like a different person now. The things I want in life are different, my outlook on life is different. Idk and if I’m being honest I’ve never felt like I can fully be myself with her. And it’s just gotten worse over the years. Idk for a few years now I’ve found myself making excuses to not hang out, mostly because I wanted to spend all my time with my then boyfriend. But now idk it’s just different. I don’t enjoy spending time with her. Like she came over earlier & I just couldn’t wait for her to leave. I just don’t feel like we have any common interests anymore. And I think part of it too is that I’ve been living my life the same for years. I don’t change anything and this year I really want to make big changes. I’ve already started. And idk I made it a goal of mine to make new friends and try new things and get out of my comfort zone. I’m really just tired of the same and I need something new.

Like last weekend I hung out with an old friend of mine, and she had a lot of people over, people I didn’t know/or know very well. And we were drinking, and people were smoking and that’s normally something that makes me uncomfortable but it didn’t. Like I enjoyed myself and am actually looking forward to when I can hang with them again. Like maybe it’s not good, maybe they’re bad people but I don’t even care. Maybe they’re good people and I wouldn’t even know if I don’t put myself out there and try to make a new group of friends. Like they’re more the party type people which like I said has never really been my thing but right now that’s kind of what I want just to experience something new. And it’s kinda ironic because this is exactly what my ex is doing now and I kind of was looking down on him for it, but now I kind of get it. Maybe he was just painfully bored with me and needed something new. He’s still an asshole, but idk. Maybe he had been feeling the way I’ve been feeling for a while. Maybe he just didn’t want to hurt my feelings so he stuck around out of pity, who know. And who knows, maybe next time I’ll be over it and it’ll be out of my system. I doubt it but yeah. And like the fucked up thing is I didn’t even tell my best friend that I did that. Well it’s not really fucked up. I definitely don’t tell her everything I do. What I mean is it’s fucked up that I even feel the need to not mention it to her because she’s childish and gets jealous. Plus I don’t want another repeat of her just inviting herself again. I don’t want to chill with her, bottom line. And def not around these new people. I feel like I can be more myself around mostly strangers than them. Idk, I just want to start new in a sense.

It’s just annoying too because like I said with the jealousy thing. Last year she had to be out of town for a while for some family things going on, so while she was away, obviously myself & our other friend still have lives and we of course were still hanging out. Well when she came back she kinda jokingly mentioned that she didn’t like that, but I could tell she was serious. Well last night it was just her and I because right now our other friend is out of town with her bf & she brought it up again. Again in a joking way, but I was like ???? Idk I didn’t even know what to say to that? Like get over it. You don’t have ownership of us, our lives, or what we do with it…I don’t like that about her. And there’s just a lot of things in general we don’t agree on. I honestly used to not voice my opinion on things just to kind of keep the peace but now I’m not caring as much.

And another thing is, it sounds to stupid and maybe full of myself but now that I’ve been losing weight, I feel like there’s an unspoken pity/envy on our parts. Like. Okay of both my friends they are big, and although I’ve lost 25 lbs, even at my heaviest I was still much much smaller than them. I just finally found the motivation within myself to do this for me, on my own. And now that I’m here and I’m on this journey, I’m not just carelessly snacking. I’m not up for going out to eat, I’m not up for hanging out and binging on junk food like we normally do. And like, to me it’s just a disgusting habit that I no longer want any part of. I’m not gonna treat my body like shit anymore. I didn’t care about myself for a long time and those days are over. And idk like my friend is sick because of her weight. She’s been hospitalized twice and only got diagnosed last year. The first time she got close to dying and had made no attempt at helping herself. This more recent time the same thing. Like they told her if she continues her lifestyle she’s gonna be extremely sick very soon. And idk she doesn’t seem to care. She says she gonna start exercising on Monday so we’ll see. She invited me but idk I’m not really interested in going because a) she’s just starting, I’ve been doing this for six months. So obviously I’m much stronger than I was, and I have more stamina and endurance. We started out together kind of, but the first day we didn’t even get to finish half a mile because she had to go home (family emergency) and although she had a lot on her plate that time, she never made an attempt to continue. She would tell me to let her know when I was gonna go walk, but when I would she would make excuses so I stopped inviting. I told her I always went at the same time everyday so she was more than welcome to show when she had time, but she never did. So whatever, if she starts walking that’s great but walking a mile isn’t a physical challenge for me anymore. If I’m gonna exercise I want something intense that challenges me. I want to make my time that I exercise count. And b) she’s too reliant on others. I feel like if she really wants it she’s gonna do what she has to with or without me or someone to do it with her. I’ve done it on my own without the help of anyone. I feel like she needs to grow up a little and just do things for herself by herself. And c) exercising has become such a necessary thing for my happiness. Like that’s the time I have to myself and I really enjoy pushing myself to the limit. It’s part of the only time I have to myself, and I’m someone who prefers/needs tons of alone time. Like I really just enjoy focusing on myself physically and it’s kind of a mental cleansing for me. I love just having my mind silent for once. I’m not bombarded by all my thoughts & worries. I love not having any mental distractions and just being able to focus on my body, and kind of let my body take control. In short, I enjoy exercising alone. Even if it’s just a stupid mile walk. It’s my me time, and I don’t want to be around anyone at that time. I zone out and I’m not very mentally present when I exercise.

I really hope for her sake that she does it. For her health. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. I can’t do the work for her & I can’t make her want it. She needs to want it. And if nearly dying twice isn’t enough, then idk what is. And last night when we hung out we were at a store & she wanted these shirts that I had bought (the exact same ones -_-) but they didn’t have her size. She was getting frustrated because all there was was size s-l or maybe the occasional xl. Well she decided to try on the xl, knowing it wouldn’t fit. So of course afterwards she was all upset and down because she said she was looking at herself in the three sided mirror in the dressing room and said she was disgusted with certain parts of herself. And idk I felt bad because I can easily fit into a medium now, and Idk I think she was upset by that, being that they didn’t have plus sizes but what could I say. I know the feeling. I’ve been there, am still there. Not everything I want fits me. But I’m working on it. Life’s too short to spend not living fully and not being comfortable in your own skin. However you’re comfortable, that’s all that matters. Regardless of size. But if you’re not happy with your body, stop crying about it and do something about it. That’s what I told myself and I actually followed my own advice. And here I am 25 lbs smaller & feeling much more confident that I did before. I still have a ways to go. But once I decided to stop being a baby about it, and actually put in the work. I noticed changes right away. On the scale, mentally, emotionally, physically. It was easier for me to do activities I struggled with before. I had no more pain in my knees. The list goes on & on. It really does make such a huge difference on so many things. I can only imagine when I lose the rest of the 50 lbs I need to lose. Idk I really hope she does it. Cause I feel like she’s just so content to be where she’s at and idk I love her & care about her but how can I be supportive of her slowly killing herself?? Like she has no desire to cut out what she can’t have (due to her illness she can’t have a lot of foods but has them anyway) she is always eating. Like we can’t go anywhere without her eating…idk I just can’t be a part of that anymore. I’m trying to better myself and how am I supposed to socialize with her when 90% of the time I spend with her, it’s spent with her engaging in unhealthy habits, that I will not join in on.

I feel like our relationship has been strained for a while and this may be our breaking point eventually. If things don’t change in our friendship I don’t see it lasting much longer.

Sometimes I want to lurk so bad but I just know that I’ll get really mad/sad possibly even depressed and like it’ll just ruin all my progress. Like I’ve never gone this long without lurking. lol it sounds so stupid but I mean I’ve just learned it’s not healthy for me. So yeah while there’s a part of me that misses him, & wants to torture myself by lurking , I’m not gonna do it. I don’t want to get back into that phase of allowing myself to constantly think about him. I’ve found myself missing him/thinking about him more lately & idk I have kinda slipped bc I hadn’t been checking my trash folder in my email (I have it set to where if he emails me it automatically gets sent there so If there is an email from him, I don’t get notifications I have to manually go & check the trash folder myself) but now that he’s been on my mind more often I’ve been checking it. I need to stop. I always half expect there to be something from him but there never is. I feel like I’m slowly getting back into that habit by doing that and I need to stop. Like that shows I haven’t fully moved on. I’ll get there. I’m getting there. It comes in waves. Sometimes I don’t even think about him at all, & sometimes I get really sad that this is how things are. It’s been almost 4 months since we’ve spoken/seen each other. This is the longest we’ve ever done this. I guess it’s different tho bc this time I knew it was the last straw. Like I knew that was it for good. Idk I just need to stay strong and stop being weak. I need to actually accept that this is how it is, and how it will be. I guess that’s part of why I want to lurk so bad. I want to confront what I’ve been avoiding. I want to kind of slap myself with reality that way it won’t be so hard when the day comes that we run into each other. Which is inevitable. I mean I hope it’s a long time from now. But I just know that right now I can’t. I guess no time will ever be the right time but idk I just need a little more time to heal. Because I haven’t. It still hurts so much. But I know I’ll get there. Just a matter of time. Idk I just don’t want to get so depressed I lose focus of my goal. Which right now is working on myself. I’m paying off my debt. I’m trying to live the healthiest lifestyle I can. And I’m so excited I’m 4 lbs away from reaching my goal of getting to 157 lbs by my b-day, which is about a month away. So I know I’m definitely gonna reach that goal, and hopefully fingers crossed surpass it. It just feels so good that I’m finally following through with it. I have for the past 5 months and I’ve never done this for so long either. At most I’d try for 3 weeks then give up. But this felt different this time too. Idk I guess bc back then I just wanted to get skinny bc he wanted me to. This time I’m genuinely doing this for my health. Getting thinner in the process is just a bonus. Idk I just can’t wait to reach that goal by my bday. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to resist temptation but I’m definitely gonna try my hardest to not weigh myself til then, but also idk if that’s a good thing bc I want to make sure what I’m doing is actually paying off so idk we’ll see about that. It’s not my ultimate goal weight, far from it, but it feels good every time I reach one of my “small goals”. Idk I’ll just feel really accomplished that I actually did it, because I never follow through with anything, and also because my last birthday I was weighing over 180 which being in the 150 range for this birthday would be a significant difference. I really just wish I could get down to my goal weight before I run into him. That would just be the best revenge and definitely would be a big confidence booster for me. I mean who doesn’t want to look amazing when seeing an ex, just to show them how much they fucked up. Which I know is stupid because appearance isn’t everything, but to my ex it is. Especially after what he did to me, used me for sex only to body shame me afterwards. (He did a lot more but I’m not gonna even go there) idk it’s just gonna feel so good when I finally see him and I’m skinnier. Honestly I don’t even think he would notice right now. Or even when I reach 157. That’s why I wish I could just reach my goal of 115. (Which is a healthy weight for me, I’m short af lol) but I mean it took years to put this weight on I know taking it off isn’t gonna happen overnight. I just have to remain motivated and continue. Eventually it will pay off. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not losing weight for him. Like fuck him lol. I’m not doing this in hopes that he’ll find me attractive again. It’s just one of my many motivators to continue to lose weight. Idk I guess I’m just hoping that once we run into each other, he won’t recognize me at first, and I want him to see me and feel bad for what he did. I don’t even think he would care honestly, but I know that if he sees “skinny me” that’s probably the only thing that would get him thinking about how he fucked up. I’m seriously so excited I can’t wait to finally get to my goal weight. I definitely want to get there by the end of this year. I know I can do it. :)

He’s become the exact person he used to look down on. The very people that he would mock, are the people he now socializes with. He’s become just like them. The people he said he would never be like. He disapproved of their lifestyle so much & now he’s part of it. Idk what happened. It shouldn’t matter. I shouldn’t care. I’m not worried about him either. A part of me is actually kinda happy because his behavior just shows that he’s so miserable. Like dude you’re almost 30 & now you decide this is the time in your life to start partying? Good luck w that. Idk. It’s stupid but I guess I just mourn for the old him. I wonder what happened to that version of him. If the old him could see him now he’d be so disappointed. Idk. It just sucks sometimes because I do miss what we were and what we had. Even the he cheated on me for most of our relationship, (if that’s even what it was. Idek anymore) idk there was a time we were both happy I think. I miss the possibility of what we could have been. I never thought I’d end up hating him, and I never thought he was capable of being this person that he is now. I’m not ready to move on yet, but sometimes I wish I was just so I could forget about him. I miss him. I shouldn’t, but I do. That doesn’t mean I want him back around because hell no. I just miss having the company I guess.

Why is there no nice way to tell someone you don’t want to hang w them? I’m trying to figure out how to keep plans w someone I do want to hang w, without including someone I don’t want to hang w. I feel like that’s so shitty. Like my best friend asked if she could chill w me & another friend of mine, and I was caught off guard so I was like yeah I’ll ask her (since we’re hanging at her place and not mine, it’s not really up to me) but the thing is I really don’t event want to ask her. Like they know each other but they’ve never been close friends, so I just feel like it’s gonna be uncomfortable. I’m just trying to chill with someone else for once and idk actually look forward to it. Don’t get me wrong, I love my best friend but we’ve been friends for so long & we never do anything different, it’s become so stale & hanging for me feels like a chore. She hardly makes conversation anymore. Her bf just recently broke up w her & now she’s like “I have no life can I hang out w y'all” & “oh well now that I’m single I’m gonna be bugging you a lot more”…. Like fucking pause. The entire 5 months she was w this guy she had time for no one & nothing else but him. We hardly talked this whole time. And the rare times we’d get together she’d never make conversation, & she’d just be texting & talking to her bf on the phone the entire time. It’s like oh ok, what now that you want to make time I should just include you in everything I do??? I don’t want to do that. Like I said, there’s never any conversation & we never do anything. Literally all she wants to do is hang at her house & watch tv..which is what we end up doing. Just watching tv & not talking. No thanks, I can do that in the comfort of my home by myself. Or if we go out, we only go to the movies…like I’m sorry but I’m fucking bored w that. Like wtf why can’t I just fucking do something with someone else for once. Idk you can’t do the same things all the time. It’s been nice being around a different person for once. The only people I talk & hang w are by 2 best friends but it’s like damn, I need to expand my circle a little because shit gets boring. Plus I’m kinda pissed bc my best friend never wants to just chill w me, just to chill. She always wants me to do favors for her and I feel fucking used. It’s every single fucking time. She always wants me to do xyz for her like she’s not capable of doing it herself. Idk. I’m probably going to just cancel the plans that I have w my other friend bc I can’t think of a nice way to tell my best friend no.